Arguments and Learning
One doesn’t lead to the other.
We prepare for arguments. It’s a form of warfare, so we collect ammunition we can fire against the opponent.
Many think that we need good arguments to have healthy marriages, but arguments do not lead to learning much of anything constructive. That’s because it’s hard to think constructive thoughts when walking in a minefield.
And do you know where all the verbal bombardments take us?
Into our pasts. Into earlier times, when we first experienced similar verbal wounds or worse.
And what does this do to us in our current argument?
It causes deep hidden pain to rise up.
Even if we have no idea this is happening inside us – in that place we are trying to use to connect to God – we are quickly aware that our responses have become more cutting and mean.
To the other person we are arguing with, it looks like we are over-reacting just to win points, and certainly this is a technique, but most likely it is coming out of an unhealed wound.
Does this excuse it? No, because the response, being explosive, is now wounding innocent others.
So where does good true learning come from? How do we grow into better people with healthier relationships?
You already know this, but I’ll answer anyway. Good and true learning comes when our emotions are resting in that quiet and peaceful place where we feel contentment and calm.
[1] Some people misunderstand Ephesians 4:6 to be saying that we are to finish fights before bedtime (or fight all night). It isn’t saying this. It is telling us to deal with our toxic emotions quickly, which is actually a reason to seek time alone with the God of our understanding. If you don’t believe in God, going to a quiet place to recover is still sound practical advice.