Why Love Messy People

It helps operating in life if we begin without any illusions about the true nature of man.

First published 2/7/22.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

We have this false perception that there are such things as beautiful people.

Even we, ourselves, at times, try so hard to fake that we are one of them. In fact this might be our all-consuming raison d'être.

No argument that there are beautiful external features on some people that actually set them apart from the vast majority of us, but a lot of this is good makeup, lighting and artistic photo editing techniques.

And as there are external illusions, there are also internal ones, the biggest of which is the idea that there are pure and innocent human beings alive today.

Photo by kaushal mishra on Unsplash

The lowest hanging fruit in this category is the belief of so many new mothers that they are holding, and possibly nursing such a creature. Perhaps some of the confusion in this area is a misunderstanding between the definitions for the words “innocence” and “ignorance.”

If the extent of your ability to be naughty is limited by your limited control of your body’s movements and skills along with your limited neural transmissions of thoughts and concepts, the basic stuff of the power of the normal human brain, then perhaps you are in a pre-innocent state, which is an extremely short lived moment in all our lives that ends with the first tantrum.

Take all the convicted criminals everywhere and wind their lives back to babyhood and you begin to understand that infancy is just a brief time on the line to a destiny that eventually will be the fodder for legions of heart breaking stories.

Now this, of course, is not the whole story. There is goodness, love and sacrifice, but these are the responses to the challenges of life every human being possessing a level of sanity is completely aware exists.

So, we can give up cynicism - the idea people are rotten at their core. This is the reason for my descriptor of every human being, past, present, and future (with one exception) being “messy.” We are confused and confusing.

My first title for this post was How to Live With Messy People, not why to love them, but I think when their messes spill over onto us we stop looking for methods or techniques to improve our relationships and instead start looking for reasons to continue to care relating at all.

The answer is really pretty simple. Messy people are all there are. They are the whole enchilada.

Of course young people (and a few older ones) don’t believe this. They operate pretty much under the illusion that there are soul mates - people who are perfect and who will “complete” them. It sells a lot of romance novels and results in a lot of affairs.

Now you can believe whatever you like. It’s a free country, more or less, but the problem will undoubtedly come when you begin to put the weight of your existence on an illusion like the idea that a pretty face will necessarily want to sacrifice his or her entire life to bring you supreme happiness, seeking nothing in return. Or even more laughable, because you actually know better, that this is exactly what you want to give to the other - complete devotion and sacrifice. It’s just who you are, blah, blah. blah.

Even now as I’m writing this, I’m sensing push back - people who wish to submit their evidentiary exhibits of the remarkable people they married who they find to be wonderful soulmates, who they cannot for a moment imagine living without. That’s nice. And yet, has nothing to do with the validity of my point, that people are a mess.

In the mix are strengths and weaknesses and some people are stubborn and know how to make lemonade out of lemons. Some can’t seem to make lemonade out of lemonade. So, if you consider yourself blessed, then congratulations, that attitude will take you far - along with a good sense of humor.

So what’s my point, other than stating what I think should be universally obvious?

That it helps operating in life when we begin without any illusions about the true nature of man - a mess, a mix, people who work real hard to project a false persona or avatar, hoping they will enable their messy acceptance by gullible others - so they don’t have to take the risk that comes with honest disclosure.

Once you get behind the masks or someone gets behind yours, everyone soon discovers the fraud.

Perhaps you are thinking I am making the case that getting close to anyone is a bad idea. Not so, but good relationships start with personal authenticity and a healthy understanding of the real nature of human beings. Something our entire society is pretty much in denial about.

So now. How can we love messy people?

It begins, if you happen to struggle with this relationship problem, exactly where you have probably refused your entire life, more or less, up to now, to go. To a place of frank raw honesty about who you really are.

It is to admit that you don’t have a clue and that you live among the clueless and that many of your dating decisions to this point have had little to do with deep intellectual analysis and instead have been driven by primal urges so intense that they mess with your other physical and emotional needs - like food, sleep, exercise, and pursuing the meaning of your own life.

Not the meaning of life.

That would be nice, but it’s more basic and personal than that, the meaning of YOUR LIFE.

You have thought so little about the quality and value of who you actually are - not as how you see yourself, full of self-centered egotistical pride, filled with all the appreciated good and lovable traits only fools are too bat blind not to see - but as a being created for a purpose placed into this world at this exact time and place to live in a way only available to you, in order to bless the lives of others, including, and especially God, in ways you cannot even imagine just yet. (Yes, you better read that again, and often).

And of course you are afraid of obtaining the answer from the only source that makes any sense. And why? Because you are ignorant and foolish enough to think you already know the answer. It is the false belief that the one with the answer to your life actually has it in for you and deep down wants to manipulate you into the most meaningless, least enjoyable life on the planet.

So let’s review.

1. People are a mess.

2. We are people.

3. We are a mess.

4. We want to be loved so badly, we want it more than we want to learn what love really is and to do it well ourselves.

5. We have and continue to run from and ignore the one who made us and knows exactly why he did and what he made us capable of doing -which includes loving extraordinarily well.

6. It is easier to pretend to believe God does not exist, or that he is impotent or disinterested in our love lives and therefore, it is all up to us to make life work - even though there is no evidence that we have the intellects, skills or interest in the love problem, except how it can benefit us, even at the expense of those we may give lip service to deeply caring about.

7. If anyone you care about begins to understand and accept my conclusions here ahead of you, then you personally, are in deep kimchi. (See 3 above).

8. My most practical piece of advise here, if you don’t know what to do, is to find and begin attending a twelve-step recovery program near you. After all, you’re a mess and they can help.