Why Anyone Goes to Their First Al-Anon Meeting
And why what they discover doesn’t answer their question, but instead changes their lives.
This topic grew out of my thinking about another recent post, What is the Least Appreciated Gift? having to do with the fact people tend to frequently and cluelessly give others unsolicited advice. This describes most newcomers to Al-Anon. They come wanting to know why they can’t seem to get the alcoholic in their lives to stop drinking.
For those who may not know what Al-Anon is, it is the program that came out of Alcoholics Anonymous whose purpose is to aid those dealing with alcoholics. Its members are not the drinkers, but the others in their lives being affected by their behavior.
As to why it is called Al-Anon, before 1951 this supporting organization was called AA Family Groups. It was pointed out, however, at that time, that it was in Alcoholics Anonymous’s written traditions that no group other than themselves could or should use the designation of AA in their title. The reason has to do with the concern the public would think the AA Family Groups were just another organization composed of alcoholics. The hyphen was placed into the Al-Anon title to both differentiate it from AA and also identify it as an allied organization. Tricky, I know.
Who can come to a meeting?
Anyone who identifies as having a problem with an alcoholic, and to tell you the truth, I can’t think of a life that has not been affected by alcohol. You see, there are no members or dues in Al-Anon. Each group is self-supporting. Those who come to a meeting are welcomed in, no questions asked. The only way they do not stay is because they self-eliminate. They tell themselves this isn’t for them. I think it is also important to note that no one is required to share. It is fine to just come and listen. People only speak when they choose to do so.
Now back to discussing newcomers and their first meetings. There comes a breaking point for most who finally give up and walk through the door. Most have tried everything else to get the alcoholic in their lives to stop drinking and they enter the meeting with the hope that they will finally learn the secret of how they can keep an alcoholic spouse, child, parent, or friend, from drinking.
Newcomers, those who, for the first time, have even thought it might be helpful to attend an Al-Anon meeting, are, to be blunt, heartbroken. Their lives have been shattered. To step inside a strange room filled with strangers, most must overcome immense fear and shame. To this point they have been hiding from everyone, often even themselves, just how miserable and insane their lives have become. They are pissed off and angry at themselves for being pissed off.
The same cannot be said about newcomers to churches. They might be broken people but not necessarily. For this reason, people opening up at church and sharing what is really going on in their lives is unusual and not normally expected. At Al-Anon the common ground is not faith in anything or anyone. It is a shared misery that life appears to have dealt them a very difficult hand. (This turns out to be the case for everyone, many just don’t know it yet).
A meeting like Al-Anon sounds like a setup for something awful, but it is quite the opposite. For most, if not all who attend, they discover, often for the very first time, a community that truly understands what they have been dealing with in private. And instead of discovering some slick trick for fixing addicts, they find something of greater value. They discover a way to become the person they have always wanted to become, not held back by the behavior of others. They find a path and fellow travelers toward the opportunity of obtaining a life of joy and contentment, whether their alcoholic keeps drinking or not.
I corrected my last line. Did you catch it?