In arguments, correctly loving oneself is misunderstood intentionally. This is because it deflects from the substance of the issue in dispute. "Of course, you don't care about what I want or need. You only care about yourself!" is usually the complaint.
If you have been reading my posts a few months, by now you understand that I believe we do not manufacture love. It exists in the same way energy exists. It can neither be created nor destroyed, but simply transferred from one to another. Therefore, I believe God created the universe as an expression of his love. Because I have written about love many times, I won't rehash things here except to say, let's put this idea into the expression "Self-Love."
This form of self-love is the appropriation of love from God to one's self, soul, or soil. This changes the act from one of selfishness to one occurring within a relationship. I am allowing God's love to come into me first.
This is critical because I have no power to push God's love into others directly, meaning I don't control God. How God gets love into others is an activity between the two of them, not me. What I can do with others is to love them as myself with the love God gives me -- and because I filled up my love needs first with God; I have something healthy to dispense. Also, when love goes through me from God to others, I am protected from the destructive nature of pride. If God chooses to love through me then all I am really doing is participating in something God is doing. He is using me as one of his instruments, which inevitably comes back to bless rather than harm me. So, when I love with God's love, I am not depleted, but filled even more -- which means it is really no sacrifice in the end.
Now go back and look at these two Bible verses about loving others and appreciate exactly what Jesus is saying:
And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:30-31
Now I get the "sacrificial" nature of God's love for mankind -- that he offered his son on a cross for the our sins, but this isn't the whole story -- which is important to understand.
The crucifixion without the resurrection would simply be an example of God's cruelty. But Jesus rose from the dead and ascended into heaven, as the Apostle's Creed tells us, and is seated on the right hand of God. This shows God's power, justice, and yes, the eternal nature of his love. This is how he feels and thinks about you and me, and it is this idea, this belief, that is intended to fill us with his love and life, for ourselves and and then for others.
So, what is Narcissism?
To be clear, it is not self-love in the sense that this “love” does not come from God.
I think of it as Self-Entrapment. It is falling for the idea that I am more special than anyone or anything else. This is a hell-filled idea and ultimately destroys the one who chooses to believe it. On top of this, it certainly injures and at times, destroys relationships.
There is no arguing with a narcissist.
They already know everything.
To love someone like this well is to create a loving distance and not allow them the opportunity to manipulate you. When you do not go along with what it is they want you to do, don't be surprised when you are accused of being unloving, even hateful. Don't take the bait. The fewer words the better.
How to win an argument with a narcissist?
Don't get in one.
How to love a narcissist?
From a safe distance maintaining your connection with God in order to have a healthy happy life even should the narcissist never change.
Self Judgement
Finally, for most of us, the default setting when thinking about ourselves is one of judgement. We are quick to feel guilt and shame. When these two feelings dominate, healthy self-love is impossible.
So, what is the solution?
Give the guilt and shame to God.
He will take them when you agree that only he is worthy of judging your soul. This means neither you nor anyone one else can do this without playing god ourselves.
This is not the same as judging actions. If you speed and get a ticket, it is fair for a human judge to fine you -- be even she or he cannot judge a soul.