Reflexively Running to Fear
A Bad Habit of Mine
When people disappoint my expectations or fail to affirm me in some way I am hoping they might, my mind can quickly flip to a cascade of negative fear-inducing thoughts like these:
“They must not like me.”
“They don’t like me.”
“They must really dislike me.”
“What did I do wrong?”
“What can I do to get them to like me again?”
Fortunately, after many years as the victim of my own fears and concerns I have learned a few things about this reflexive emotional fear-response.
On many occasions I recall interactions with others who I thought were upset with me only to find they were distracted by their own worries and problems.
This helped me begin to see the foolishness in attempting to mind-read anyone else — no matter how well I think know them.
Boiling it down, I began to see, first of all, that my imagination is never right. It is totally and terribly unreliable.
The second fact-of-the-matter is others are usually not thinking about me much at all.
They are thinking things like I am thinking.
Rather than feeling sad about this reality, I find it a relief. It allows a healthy distance between us to live our independent lives.
A third good thing to remember is that many of your friends and mine aren’t flighty.
Let the flighty ones go.
With these healthier truths about human nature in mind, the best way out from fearing the rarely accurately known thoughts of others becomes obvious.
It is to stop running and hiding.
It is to learn to turn and face our fears and possible accusers.
By talking directly while holding eye contact we can explain in ways that do not accuse, but take ownership for our own limited thoughts and feelings.
We can develop the skill of addressing our concerns forthrightly.