Recovery From Codependency
Learning to let others live their own lives.
“I don’t have to have a bad day just because someone I love is struggling.“
From Courage to Change, February 12 reading
This statement clearly describes my greatest obstacle in overcoming codependency in some past unhealthy relationships. My initial gut response before working through a recovery process was to see the above statement as cold and heartless. How kind is it of me to accept as a good thing that I could have a good day while someone I claim to care about is suffering?
Recovery, within the context of an unhealthy relationship with someone addicted and self-absorbed is what is described in Al-Anon as “detachment” with the qualifier of “love.” I believe it is another way to describe forgiveness.
It’s easy to detach when angry. And it’s easy to stay attached at the hip thinking it’s practicing being loving. Neither is a healthy choice.
What is challenging and yet the path that holds out my best promise for recovery for me as well the one I am blaming for my problems, is to practice, even though imperfectly, focusing on my own recovery. And not just at first, implying that soon I will be able to return to my former behavior of “helping,” once I have mastered better techniques. Instead, I achieve serenity and sanity when I practice loving detachment as a way of life from now on.
When I detach from requiring anyone else to make me happy and instead work on my own gratitude muscle, my perspective is then allowed to shift — followed by my mood , which often lifts to the point that I can now have a good productive day in spite of my circumstances, including how challenging someone else’s day may be going.