Perfecting Love

It's more than learning better techniques.

Photo by Frank Busch on Unsplash

Lately, I have been writing about what love is really all about and how it works in the best sense of the word.

True Love is the kind of love that cares for and about people, in spite of their annoying shortcomings — the ones just like mine.

A psychoanalyst named Eric Fromm wrote a book first published in 1956 that became a best seller entitled “The Art of Loving.”

I have a copy.

It’s interesting.

I agree with him that love is an acquired behavior, but he looks at it as being man-centric, originating in man. He thinks we need love; therefore, we love.

I politely disagree.

I don’t see it as a technique or artform to develop.

Think about John 3:16 and how it starts: “For God so loved the world, that he gave…

God, who is outside the creation he created, loved it so much that he gave. And if you read the passage further, he did not give in a general way, but specifically to rescue those who choose to love him back.

I don’t want to beat this to death, but it is critical if we want to understand the meaning of life, to understand that love originates with God. In the beginning, it preceded creation and in everything you do through the day, love will come from God. As it was in the past, so it is now, and will ever be. This has nothing to do with believing in God any more than breathing requires a belief in oxygen. But still, understanding this spiritual reality does enable us to love ourselves and others better.

Imagine (and this won’t be difficult) that there are people who have not, for the most part, been well loved. You might know people like this. Their experiences with others who could and should have shown them kindness and gentleness, not because they deserved it (because the need begins at birth) but because the desire to love should have been established in the hearts of the others, was completely missing. But why was it most likely missing?

Because they had not received or experience it themselves. Sure, it might be due to a mental disorder, or some addiction, but in most cases it’s living in a love drained environment.

Now, take these same people, hopefully as still children, but often as adults, and introduce them to a person or group of people who begin to love them unconditionally. What often happens is they become transformed and begin to love others mirroring now how they have finally experienced love themselves. Foolproof? No. Nothing is, but a good visual is water on a parched earth. It isn’t long before all sorts of flowers begin to bloom.

This at least helps explain why Jesus would instruct his followers, when they themselves are slapped by someone, to turn the other cheek rather than punching back. This is not because good people need to suffer or show weakness, it is to help lost people discover a love they cannot explain. It is to make broken and mean people thirst for a better life.

Throughout their lives they had understood the norm was to brawl and look out just for themselves, so when someone does an intentional turn-the-other-cheek act of love, many, if they have not hardened too much, will melt and be changed into new creatures. (As I have already written, they will turn and embrace love back).

Another point to make about this picture of turning the other cheek is to agree it is extremely difficult to do correctly, which speaks to the need to rely on God to supply the love and the instructions in real time. This is not a technique. It is describing what a follower of God looks like when his or her own love cup has been filled to overflowing.

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To get a broader context on this turn-the-cheek thing, here is what Jesus said as recorded in Matthew 5:38-48:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’

But I say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

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Before I go today, one final thought. The word at the end “perfect” can also be translated as “complete.” In this context, we could say that incomplete love is simply getting back in kind what you give. The full package of love is to give extravagantly or beyond the break-even point. When we do this, I believe we will begin to see the power of love begin blooming in our own lives as well as in the lives of those around us, especially those who are right now wounded and lashing out.