On Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a coverup.

Photo by Tahlia Doyle on Unsplash

Perfectionism attempts to create the illusion of complete competency in order avoid real intimacy.

Unlike the imaginary perfect world in the dreamer’s mind, true intimacy is blunt, raw, and messy requiring a vulnerable transparency perfectionists see as personal weakness.

Likely somewhere in the perfectionist’s childhood the idea was planted that she or he was unlovable as they were. And because this idea was planted in a child’s brain, one that is innocent and immature needing to draw reality from those in authority around them, they could not fight back. Eventually some will; however, others, not wishing to fight but to be accepted will internalize as fact that they are inferior human beings.

So what happens next?

These compliant ones will simply try to work harder to achieve acceptability (i.e. earn love). They will create a façade to cloak their perceived hidden flaws as secrets others must never know. They will work to become perfect in the eyes of others all the while not believing it themselves. This double-life results in depression, ulcers, workaholism, and sadly, the inability to have healthy intimate relationships with normal happy people. And why will this be the result? Because living perfectly is not achievable and will therefore result in chronic disappointments and the reinforcement that they are as inferior and flawed as they were told they were long long ago.

So, what’s the solution?

That depends on who is asking.

If you are the perfectionist, then I suggest you think about coming into the light. Open up with those who love you and who are safe people themselves.

If you are not the perfectionist, but it is someone you care about, then pray. Avoid trying to correct their behavior and work on building your own healthy life. Keep in mind that perfectionism is just one of boat loads of character problems. This may not be the one you suffer with, and you already are admitting you are not perfect. This means there is plenty to keep our minds on our own business without interfering with anyone else’s life. So again, keep coming into the light.