No Secrets
Is this a realistic relationship objective?
I was in a discussion recently with couples who have been married under a year.
Lots of love.
Idealistic expectations.
One of the men stated that it is important to have no secrets between the two.
In my opinion this is admirable and foolish.
Frankly, there are thoughts and even facts at the operational level that are not critical nor important. No one should be made to feel obligated sharing this stuff. Also, I do not want to know about others at this level of minutiae either. I want my spouse to share with me what she sees as important and useful. Especially I don’t want her to fear me — that I might catch her in some technical rules violation. Talk about sucking love out of life.
So, rather than attempting to have no secrets — an impossible task to begin with — I think we should aim to be honest; to not hide deep important critical secrets. And if we got someone to marry us and did not disclose all relevant facts — those that might have caused the other to not enter into matrimony with us in the first place, then this might be more than the marriage, based on mutual trust, will be able to bear.
Beyond this, I believe marital health comes when our primary individual objective is to love God first. After all there is nothing God doesn’t already know about each of us. We begin here with the fact there are no secrets we can hide from him.
When we love God first we seek to please him first and foremost. When we seek to please him he tells us what he wants us to do in marriage, as a parent, as a citizen of a nation, even with our enemies.
Not only this, and perhaps most importantly, he empowers us to carry all this out.
Of course this isn’t easy — and I think the hardest area of application of them all is in marriage.
This primary allegiance to God over everyone and everything else, including our own lives and personal happiness, is above all other man-made agreements including with one’s spouse.
Good marriages are not ever based on equity or fairness. I am not called by God to love as long as others love me back. In fact, in marriage, according to God, we are to serve the other. Because we have different life experiences, different temperaments, different relationships with God, we serve best by not attempting to control the spouse we are invited to serve.
Now here is an important point, especially for the newly married.
Serving is different from simply agreeing to everything the other wants. It doesn’t mean the other will necessarily ever get breakfast in bed. We are called by God to walk before him as best we can and should a spouse or anyone else attempt to give an ultimatum that it is either God or them, then this should be seen in the same light as if someone sitting with us high in a tree demands we saw off the branch both are sitting on.
I think the best way to look at this is to understand that the love others need is from God only.
Our self-generated “love” is a selfish vapor.
It should therefore be our privilege and joy whenever God’s real, life-giving love comes through us.
Also important to understand and accept that we are not their only source for God’s love and hopefully not their major one either.
God’s loves is the only fuel that can energize the marriage for the long-distant, lifetime, journey it was designed by him to be.
The greatest among you shall be your servant.
Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.