Meddling in Your Child’s Life
"It's none of your business!" the little one pouts. Where do they get such ideas?
As a general rule, I am opposed to meddling in the lives of others.
This doesn't mean that on occasion I haven't done it.
Usually, I'm part way into giving someone some great advice, when it hits me that they didn't ask for it.
Sometimes I pick up on their nonverbal cues, like eyes rolling back and mouth dropping open, as if to say, "I can't believe you have inserted yourself into my business uninvited."
Over the years, I think I have gotten better at letting others live their lives without my input or permission, but it hasn't been without some friction along the way.
Looking back, I think it takes time and distance from adolescence, and even young adulthood, to develop a good understanding of this Don't Meddle Policy, and of course, I know there are those who will go to their graves thinking what the world really needed more of was their good advice.
There is one area, however, where I take exception to this general rule, and that is in parenting young children. And, as usual, my opinion is not the socially popular one, the one push by many in education, entertainment, and social media, where it is considered that the greatest gift a parent can give his or her child is freedom to choose for themselves. This frankly, makes no sense to anyone willing to just think a little about it. It is like saying, I want you to come up with your own answer to the math problem, but I won't constrain you by teaching you the rules and principles of mathematics. Same with spelling, grammar, and so many other fundamental life disciplines. (Yes, disciplines!)
I remember listening to an admired teacher give this explanation about educating children. He said the first thing they need is information. They need to know concrete things like letters and numbers. They need to know the names of objects first and later ideas. Without filling their brains with correct, accurate as possible, and generally non-disputed information, they will not be able to see, understand, and react to complicated problems of adult life.
Here's my bottom line.
The growth, safety, health, and stability of children as they grow and develop is the parent’s responsibility. It is also the parent’s responsibility to monitor the child’s growth and development in order to understand how best to transition them through adolescence into adulthood.
When a child informs the parent that something is none of their business, this is a flag and should result in more prying and questioning in order, for one thing, to make sure the parent’s role is not being undermined by someone else, whether another adult or child who has come to disrespect authority in their own lives.
And here is a tough thing to tell a parent whose child has made it successfully through potty training. It is unwise to believe children need less time as they grow older. The reality is they will definitely need more time. They stay up later for one thing and their problems are more complicated. Expect and even encourage a lot of time sitting on the bed in the evening listening to what they have to say.
My final thought about meddling in children’s lives is there is a time it must stop.
One of the problems most of us parents have, once our children have reached adulthood and moved out is still wanting to be involved their business.
It’s sad but true that parenting is the process of learning to let go of the one or ones you just spent years loving and pouring your life into. Certainly, parental love should remain strong through life, but separation is the parent’s final responsibility if children are ever going to be able to become adults themselves.
