One evening recently my wife and I attended a young-married program at the home of some friends. To be clear, my children are older than all of them by at least fifteen years.
The preplanned discussion topic was about the challenges when retuning home to spend holiday time with parents and important past friends. Of course, now the wrinkle is they are returning home with a spouse.
Here is a list of some of their concerns.
How do you not revert to your childhood-self which then leaves the spouse outside the old family or friend circles?
How do you equitably balance time between in-laws? If they live nearby, perhaps you are having to split time in some equitable way. Or if they live a long distance apart you are having to decide who to visit and not to visit?
How do you stay connected with your spouse when most time is taken up in family activities? Even if the spouse is included it is not a quiet vacation with much alone-together time.
How do you stay at inner peace knowing expectations run high and nothing goes as planned?
I suppose I could list out my personal answers for each question but I’m not sure that’s necessary. Just identifying the problems is a good start and, besides, if you identify with any of this you will have to own your own decisions.
Instead, let me make a few broad observations.
One of my favorite phrases that came out of the discussion was someone talked about playing the long game.
When things don’t go well, remember this isn’t the end. Allow things to play out over many years. People change and learn to adapt with time. When situations are new, understand that tensions can be high because most people want to please and receive approval. Note however, we are never able to control another’s feelings or perceptions. Yes, we can strive to be kind and helpful. That is within our power. But it is not in our power to cause another to be pleased by what we say or do. And as for receiving another’s approval, that also is completely out of our control.
The happiest people have learned not to seek approval from others. Instead they work to do the best they can to please God and allow the rest of it to unfold as it will. This means every compliment we receive from others is delightfully unexpected.
Recalling back to when I was married at their age, I acknowledge that lowering expectations when it comes to the actions of family members is difficult. But still, it is absolutely necessary if you want to live a peaceful productive life regardless the behavior of anyone else.
Holidays with families as a newly formed family yourself is a blessing both because it is intended to be fun and inclusive and also because it is a necessary part of spiritual growth — figuring out how to love others well without being emotionally drained in the process.
A note to parents and grandparents. When the kids come over, enjoy them while they are with you and release them at the end of your time together, not with any complaints if it didn’t work out as you had hoped, but with gratitude that they chose to visit. Bless and release.