Healthy and Unhealthy Arguments
It’s a touchy subject.
Debate is useful.
Creating “arguments” in a constructive way requires deep thought.
It is what good attorneys do before standing in front of a judge or jury.
Arguing is a part of life for all of us. It can help us learn, grow, and mature.
At some level we must disagree about many things with many people simply based on our human experiences. We can’t all come from the same place in life or experiences.
We have ideas we think are right or good and they may or may not be. So we try them out on others.
When this type of discussion occurs, where at least one participant is healthy and mature, true learning can result.
An example of this type interaction is between a parent and child where hopefully the parent is mature enough to help the immature child process disagreements while managing their own emotions. If children can’t learn this at home and while young, life will be more difficult down the road.
There is another realm of arguments within the family important to think about.
It involves spouses.
Again, disagreements are necessary and even potentially healthy because they give us the opportunity to grow, learn, reflect, and modify our own behavior in positive ways over time.
Often, however, the process is blunted and shutdown because the emotional side becomes too difficult for one or both to manage.
This is where outside help can be useful.
At this point I see two options.
The first option is to find an expert. This is someone with training relative to the particular problem.
The second option is to find a group dealing with similar struggles.
No matter how good the expert is, there will be a need for many sessions in order to (1) figure out what is going on, (2) explain back to the couple or individual what the findings reveal, (3) provide instruction, and (4) follow up on progress. It’s private and usually expensive. In fact, if it were of no cost to the couple, they would likely not value it enough to go through the pain real change and growth require. If the relationship is already at a crisis point, this is probably the way to go.
The second option is, in my opinion and experience (having been involved in both), the healthier approach. But where can such a group be found?
One of the reasons I believe groups like Al-Anon are so effective is because people are coached not to talk directly to others (cross-talk) while in session.
Instead, each one learns to speak about themselves to the group.
It is never to complain about the behavior of someone not in the room, but to share only what we are personally doing to grow in healthy ways.
When people come together to recover and grow, and they abide by certain agreed rules, like anonymity and not sharing the stories of others outside the group, amazing things begin to happen.
From this personal work we can then grow into people who can manage arguments and disagreements without it triggering our emotional reactions.
The good news is these groups are everywhere and cost is low.
The challenging news is, just like the first option, there are no instant turnarounds.
To grow and change requires a commitment to keep attending meetings in bad times and good.
And should both spouses find their ways into different meetings structured along similar lines, I would imagine volatile arguments will disappear.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)
