Forgiveness
What is it? Part One
There is no way to live happy, abundant, and free without understanding and practicing forgiveness.
Let's begin with thinking about forgiveness in order to understand what it truly is and what it implies and requires of us. As we do this I believe it will open our eyes to other important and practical ideas for living optimally.
Forgiveness does not operate in isolation. It is not possible to truly forgive mentally, cerebrally, and without it being lived out in front of others. Forgiveness is more a gift to the forgiver than to the forgiven, regardless how the forgiven feels about it, or whether the forgiven even knows about it. This means we can and should practice forgiveness of those who have harmed us in the past whether they are living or not. And if they are no longer living it is still useful and important to be in relationships with others who are healthy enough to listen to us as we work through this forgiveness process -- which brings me to this important understanding of the nature of forgiveness. It is never one and done. It is more a lifestyle, a process, than an event or moment in time. Certainly it can be marked by moments and milestones, but it is never proof one way or the other that we have forgiven others just because pain resurfaces or goes completely away for long seasons of time. The process of living is always one of discovery, and forgiveness only works by applying it specifically and in the perpetual present. In other words, as memories come up carrying with them pain, steps of forgiveness are called for.
But just because forgiveness is called for doesn't mean we will forgive. This may give us the illusion that we can't forgive but it is always a matter of choice. We can forgive if we choose to, but to forgive effectively, especially the things that seem to have hurt us the most, requires more a willingness to try over any belief that we have what it takes to do it well or completely. It is progress, not perfection.
Forgiveness is not agreement with the one who harmed us. In the forgiveness process we may discover things about them and ourselves that change our minds about past events, but this isn't the purpose for forgiving. The other or others could have been as bad as they come. When this the case, reestablishing any sort of relationship is unnecessary and likely unwise. What we are doing in these cases by forgiving is releasing ourselves from their grip. We are no longer allowing their past harms to live rent free in our minds. It is turning them over to the God of our understanding.
Effective useful functional forgiveness works only within the context of understanding we are imperfect, weak, fallible creatures. This is true also about the ones we need to forgive. They too are imperfect, weak, fallible creatures — except for one.
Much anger and resentment is directed toward God because we believe he could have and should have not allowed the harm to occur in the first place.
The problem with not forgiving God is we put ourselves in judgment over him. This results in a distortion of reality so vast that, if given enough time, it will wreck us — and for some reading this, the proof is in the misery contained in the lives they are currently living.
To be continued.