Finding a Great Spouse

Good simple advice most will ignore.

Photo by micheile dot com on Unsplash

The longer I live the more I enjoy watching older couples interact.

When I was young looking at people my grandparents’ age was completely uninteresting. Sort of like watching paint dry or ice melt. There were better, more exciting things to do back then.

What I have discovered since is there is nothing more courageous or profound to witness in life than devoted seasoned married couples loving each other well.

If you have never seen it you are missing out.

So you want to marry a great spouse?

There’s your example.

Not someone with dazzling looks, a great bank account, and super romantic moves.

Nope.

Better by far than all that other stuff multiplied a thousand fold is the one in a gazillion who, after sixty years and counting, still wants to be with you more than with anyone else or doing anything else - and you feel the same way.

My parents were like that.

They had interests and hobbies the other didn’t share. They did not think the same way about politics or religion. They both freely spoke their minds without a second thought. There were no games between them; no subtle trickery to get what they wanted from the other. What they shared unquestionably was a love and affection for each other that frankly, as far as I could tell, grew deeper over time.

And they weren’t afraid to show it.

Yes, they loved their children and grandchildren very much, but they loved each other so much more. This did not slight anyone else in the least. It was the way it should always be for everyone.

They might have been sad together for a day or so when their last child left for college marking the end of, to them, a wonderful season of life, but then they quickly sold the family home.

We children were sadder about this than they obviously were because they began to travel and play together, first from a condo on a bay in San Diego, and then later traveling full time in their motorhome. My children, now grown and raising their own kids, fondly remember how excited they were when their grandparents would roll up to the house for a visit. A few days later they were off again.

How do you find for yourself someone like one of those two?

The answer is, you can’t.

It is not in our power to pull off.

We are not that clever. In fact as I have pointed out, part of the problem is we don’t really know what to look for.

Of course we have ideas in our heads what we think we want or need. These are connected to our current age and appetite, not really thinking about decades hence.

And here is another trick our minds can play.

We believe being married is better than living alone.

It isn’t. That’s too simple.

Here is a more accurate picture of reality.

Being married to your best friend for life is the best. Again, most marriages as far as I can tell aren’t like that. They can be, but it takes two people prioritizing correctly and expending the effort to make that happen (with God’s help).

Being single is an absolute blessing assuming you like living with you. If you don’t like living with you, for heaven’s sake, don’t try to correct this by getting married! If you do you will likely end up in the third category we will get to in a moment.

If you feel lonely living the single life, there is only one good answer, in my opinion, to solving this problem. Take the time to learn how to live with yourself well. Stop moping and feeling sorry for yourself. Take yourself on dates. Go where you can serve others in order to take your mind off yourself. Stop thinking about what you might be missing (because your imagination has never been even close to accurate — ever) and start living in your daily blessings. Become the spouse you wished you had and radiate joy over the fact you get to be with you.

Now the third category mentioned above. This is to live in an unhappy marital state you can’t or won’t fix. If you can fix this then it means you and your spouse can still become best friends for life and move up to category one.

Finally, let’s say you are single and you would like some day to be married to someone like my parents were for each other. What should you do?

The world will tell you to get out there and date a lot. Of course, by now many of you know, I will disagree.

You don’t find a great spouse.

You become a great spouse yourself.

You become someone someone else would gladly want to live with the rest of his or her life.

Of course there is the risk of being misunderstood here.

You might think I am saying love yourself well like a narcissist.

Completely wrong.

Here is how to avoid this.

Seek to love God and let God love you.

Does this feel mysterious and weird?

Go to that church I was talking about a few posts ago. Begin to discover who you really are by finding out what God thinks of you.

If you follow my advice, one of three things will likely happen.

1. You might find that soulmate spouse.

2. You might discover your soulmate spouse is your current spouse.

3. Or if neither of these happen, you can still find happiness and contentment living the low-stress life of singleness. It has its perks.