Doormatamorphosis
Why do we sometimes choose to be doormats?
Perhaps we think we have only two options when stepping into interpersonal conflict. We can either push back or give in. We choose to dominate and yell louder or to retreat and clam up. Alpha junkyard dog or human doormat. Of course, anyone wishing to enjoy the company of others for any length of time, neither is desirable.
Fortunately there is a third option. The problem is it requires some quiet planning time first — good reason for building quiet time into the daily grind in order to clear the mind, see what is important, and pray. From out of this quiet activity, boundaries can be established that will be our non-negotiables. No fighting over these settled positions. Violations of any of these specific boundaries, sever the relationship. So we aren't talking about someone showing up late from work or leaving socks on the floor.
Well this sounds extreme, I imagine some are thinking. It might be, but it doesn't have to be.
To help you figure things out you need a good friend -- and by a "good" friend, I mean one who is both for you and the other you are having trouble with. Only a friend like this will not become your cheerleader as you plunge over a cliff.
Let me put this another way. Don't do any of this by yourself, by solving the problem in your own head. You need outside counsel to walk with you through this.
You have a choice. You can claim your autonomy and trust your own abilities enough to accept that you can live an outstanding life apart from anyone else's intimidation, no matter the cost.
Seek a way of escape.
Find new friends, new employment.
Give up the possibility of the economic reward in the nebulous future. Come to understand that these kinds of people typically renege.
Admit that there is something easy about staying in the mess you are, and that is the real reason you do it. Come clean with yourself at least, that if you wanted to free yourself, you could have many times before now. Also come to see that the longer you accept the status quo, the hard change will become.
Yes, the unknown looks scary, but you are dealing with a known that is stifling your potential at best and is destructive at worse.
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
Matthew 16:26 (ESV)
Everyone has boundaries, it is just that we don’t all have healthy ones. When we are struggling to communicate with people who we find difficult, I think it is important and necessary to understand that we can’t change them directly. It also means that they can’t successfully change us the way they want either. This, at least to me, indicates that clever words and sneaky tactics are bound to backfire.
If what I am writing here is true, then there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that we are powerless to create the kind of relationships with others we wish we could. The relationship may always be fractured, because it involves the free uncoerced actions of both parties. The good news is we can enjoy life even if they choose to be difficult and complicated people. To do this requires taking our eyes off them and looking in a different direction. In a twelve-step recovery model, we acknowledge that our lives have become unmanageable in any and all areas of life (Step 1), that there is a power greater than ourselves (Step 2), so life no longer involves solving a puzzle or figuring everything out ahead of time, like a good game of chess, and that we can turn our lives, including our problems, including all the difficult people in our lives, over to this higher power (Step 3).
For me personally, I limit time with toxic people. The reason is simple. Difficult people wear us down and we then become like them. Small doses of time can work as long we are able to remain our best selves. If this is a problem, then the problem lies with us and not with them.
How do we create boundaries if the people we are trying to engage with fit into the dominate or retreat and clam category? How do we open conversation with those threatened by vulnerability, and shame. If we are not “right” (maybe we are) but want to be understood or heard, and the other side has only the two choices … push back Or give in ( in today’s world … ghosting you), how do you move forward. I watch my wife and her parents and one wants to have a discussion and the other gives two choices… ignore the past or retreat . If we discuss the past , then I will become the junkyard dog or cut you out.