The closer the relationship the easier it is to forge an unhealthy co-destructive bond.
This is not the oneness of marriage.
It is not a necessary allegiance to family or friends.
It is actually the result of personal insecurities.
Because people dread losing their companion, their loved one, parent or sibling, and because they react out of fear, they end up increasing the risk of the very loss they are trying to avoid.
Fear tends to bring out a reactive, and therefore thoughtless, side of our personalities.
We act and react without thinking things through in a calm useful way.
Because conflict is feared, disagreements are stuffed and tolerated for a while — until they grow too large to ignore. This results in blow ups which further stoke fears of loss, abandonment, and permanent loneliness.
Detachment with Love is a tool.
It seems when we are too closely stuck to someone else, who is both important and difficult, we are missing a Pause Button — a way to reflect and consider many options before acting, or as it is often described, taking the bait.
As far as I can tell, the concept of Detachment with Love comes out Al-Anon — and Al-Anon was formed to support family members of alcoholics. Essentially Al-Anon exists to help recovering co-dependents stuck in unhealthy ways to people with terrible addictions.
It is the loved one’s program of personal recovery and is not about whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
Learning to detach from others with love is not easy. It is the byproduct of recovery of oneself.
It takes time and frankly a community of fellow recovering co-dependents to find peace in the midst of conflict.
If you are stuck in a relationship and don’t know what to do, consider Al-Amon — but if you go, commit to more than one meeting. The usual recommendation is six (and they can be visiting different meetings until you find the one that’s right for you).