It involved a self-paced reading program where you worked through different color levels. First you were to read a paragraph or two (I think it was timed) and then you answered questions followed by grading yourself.
That was my downfall.
The class saw me soar high through all the levels quickly (at least I thought this in my imagination. Most likely they weren’t clued in and couldn’t have cared less.) Who I was really trying to impress were my parents, especially my mom who taught me to read.
It didn’t occurred to me at this young age that the teacher would check my work. He didn’t tell me that part. You see, I didn’t correct my mistakes, I simply declared that I hadn’t made any.
In an instant my duplicity was exposed and then, worst of all, I was sent home to face mom and dad.
I was not spanked. That would have been easier.
Instead I had to deal with their deep disappointment as they asked with sad tear-filled eyes (I may have mis-remembered this part) the heartbreaking question, “How could you do this to our family?”
So the answer to their question coming from a much older me looking back, is that I thought to receive their love I had to perform well in school. I didn’t want to be treated like a second class child chewing discarded love scraps left me by my high achieving literate siblings.
Was any of this what they wanted me to learn?
Of course not.
But my eight year old brain was still in early development, and as things turned out it was a good time to learn this important lesson on why cheating to look smart is dumb.
So what did I really learn?
I’m capable of lying and cheating.
I’m not very good at lying and cheating.
Getting caught feels really bad and doesn’t blow over quickly.
Restoring trust takes time and isn’t easy or fun.
What can look easy is covering up mistakes and cheats hoping no one notices, but you will never know when your cover will be exposed.
Lies breed lies.
And the most important lesson I learned from that event was that my parents loved and forgave me in spite of my propensity toward a life of crime.
I know it’s funny now because my adult-me can look at my child-me and chuckle. It also is a reminder when current grandchildren I love misbehave that they need a lot of love and support along with appropriate correction. Spoiling isn’t love.
So why did I tell you this story?
It’s an example of one someone might hear or tell while working through Step Five in a Twelve Step Recovery Program.
Imagine telling stories like this out loud to yourself, God, and another human being. Sharing our story with non-judgmental listeners is incredibly therapeutic.
It is possible to come clean and find your heart beating with a new lightness.
The path of recovery and restoration always travels through the hidden valleys of the past, but it is never smart to go there alone. And don’t go there to try to “correct the record.” The reason to take this journey is simply to observe and tell yourself in front of another listening human being the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God.
Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon