Debate is useful. Creating “arguments” in a constructive way requires deep thought. It is what good attorneys do before standing in front of a judge or jury.
Arguing with loved ones is another matter and certainly much more common. At one level we must disagree about many things with many people simply based on our human experiences. This is what being human is all about. We have ideas we think are right or good and they may or may not be. Expressing them to others we trust begins the process of being able to evaluate different ideas and positions.
When this type of discussion occurs, where at least one participant is healthy and mature, true learning can result. An example of this type interaction is between a parent and child where hopefully the parent is mature enough to help the immature child process disagreements while at the same time managing their emotions. If children can’t learn this at home and while young, life will be more difficult down the road. We all already know this.
Which brings me to the realm of other arguments within the family involving spouses. Again, disagreements are necessary and even potentially healthy because they give us the opportunity to grow, learn, reflect, and modify our own behavior in positive ways over time. Often, however, the process is blunted and shutdown because the emotional side becomes too difficult for one or both to manage. This is where outside help can be useful.
At this point I see two options. The first option is to find an expert. This is someone with training relative to the particular problem. The second option is to find a group dealing with similar struggles.
No matter how good the expert is, there will be a need for many sessions in order to (1) figure out what is going on, (2) explain back to the couple or individual what the findings reveal, (3) provide instruction, and (4) follow up on progress. It’s private and usually expensive. In fact, if it were of no cost to the couple, they would likely not value it enough to go through the pain real change and growth require. If the relationship is already at a crisis point, this is probably the way to go.
There is a second option and it is, in my opinion and experience (having been involved in both), the healthier approach. It begins by acknowledging personal problems. It might be feelings of inadequacy, shame, fear, and confusion. Every spouse in every marriage, if they are honest with themselves, should be able to identify with these emotions at times. For some it is every day, for others it is occasionally. Whatever it is for one, the chances are it is different for the other. Plus, neither really knows how the other is truly feeling, ever.
By taking personal responsibility for our own issues and problems, we can then find a group of others, preferably of the same sex, who are seeking to improve their lives along the same lines.
I used to think that I had joined Al-Anon under false pretenses because I was not dealing with an active alcoholic. In time I came to see that in the group there were others dealing with problems much more difficult than I was at the time, and that it was good for me to learn from those with first hand experiences. I also discovered that I had experiences they could learn from as well.
One of the reasons I believe these groups are so effective is because people are coached not to talk directly to others in the group while in session. This is called cross-talk. Instead, each one learns to speak about themselves to the group. It is never to complain about the behavior of someone not in the room, but to share only what we are personally doing to grow in healthy ways.
When people come together to recover and grow, and they abide by certain agreed rules, like anonymity and not sharing the stories of others outside the group, amazing things begin to happen. From this personal work we can then grow into people who can manage arguments and disagreements without it triggering our emotional reactions. The good news is these groups are everywhere and cost is low. The challenging news is, just like the first option, there are no instant turnarounds. To grow and change requires a commitment to keep attending meetings in bad times and good.
And should both spouses find their ways into different meetings structured along similar lines, I would imagine volatile arguments will become a thing of the past.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)