A Key Principle in Relationship Recovery
How to enjoy serenity in spite of living with a toxic relationship or many.
There is a single idea I learned within Al-Anon that, if accepted, changes the effects of destructive relationships (like living with an active alcoholic, for example). [1]
What is this single idea?
It is the acknowledgment that we are completely responsible for ourselves alone, and for no other adult.
This includes even older children who are no longer in need of basic disciplines, but are at the age where they need to learn life’s lessons themselves. No safety net.
Hopefully they will recall lessons taught earlier in life, but there comes a time when they need the freedom to make their own decisions and live with the consequences.
How they transition from early childhood to this more independent state is not easy. It is not by crossing some arbitrary time line, but through demonstrations of growing maturity.
Certainly, by the time they leave home they are no longer in need of a parental micro-manager to direct or approve their every step. They, like us, need to reach a level of independence which also means a level of personal responsibility. And if they make poor choices (which they likely will), then they have the same opportunity we also have to fix their own mistakes and to own their own errors.
[1] If you struggle with toxic or difficult relationships, even if alcohol is not an obvious contributor, go find an Al-Anon meeting near you. Attend at least six times (even checking out different meetings) before determining it is of no help.